Changing Conversations: How to support others when life is tough

When someone we know goes through something tough — bereavement, break-up, ill health, job loss — we can feel awkward about how best to respond. We'll probably all experience these tough events ourselves at some point, and yet so often we are met with silence, platitudes or unhelpful advice.

We want to be kind. We don’t want to say the wrong thing. But in our uncertainty, we may end up saying nothing at all. And when that happens, the person already experiencing grief, hardship or emotional pain can feel even more isolated.

Let's change the conversations we have — and have conversations that create change.

Why We Struggle

Most of us were never taught how to talk about grief, illness, or trauma. In school, in workplaces, socially and in families these topics are often avoided. So we default to what we think might help, maybe things that have been said to us — phrases like:

• “Time's a great healer”

• “At least you had time to prepare”

• “That's a good cancer to have”

• “There are more fish in the sea!”

• "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

  
  

These are usually said with kind intentions. But they can unintentionally minimise the other person’s pain. These phrases suggest that we want to move away from the discomfort, not have to deal with their emotions. We worry that we need to "fix" the other person or offer help which we're ill equipped to do. And such platitudes shut down the possibility of deeper connection — the very thing that supports healing.

What Happens

When we avoid or deflect, we unintentionally communicate:

Your grief /emotional pain is too much for me.

That message can make someone who’s already feeling vulnerable withdraw even further. The result? A ripple effect of disconnection.

Imagine the power of reversing that ripple. Of creating a moment where someone feels truly seen. That’s what changing conversations can do.

What to Say Instead

First of all, say something, acknowledge them. Don't ignore the individual or their situation. Express your compassion, invite them to talk, but also let them know there is no pressure. They may not wish to chat further. But you're there with them, not shying away.

Here are a few simple, human alternatives:

If Someone Gets Tearful

Many people panic when someone cries. Your role isn't to stop them crying, but to support with compassion. Tears aren’t a failure — they’re often a sign of trust and release.

Here’s what to do:

• Stay present — don’t rush to fix.

• Don’t apologise for “causing” the tears. You didn’t. You offered a safe space.

• Offer tissues, eye contact, and silence. These small things can be enormous acts of care.

You could say:“It’s okay. You don’t have to hold it all together here.”

Feeling Bad That You've Said The Wrong Thing In The Past?

We all have. I know I have - it was only once I experienced cancer, bereavement and job loss myself that I realised what was helpful to hear, and the platitudes I'd mistakenly offered in the past.

It doesn’t make us bad people — it makes us human. And as humans, we can learn, change and grow.

Once we know better, we can do better. And even a small shift in how we speak can ripple outward into meaningful change for someone else.

Why This Matters

Good conversations — honest, warm, non-judgemental conversations — support emotional wellbeing. They build trust. They help people feel less alone. How amazing is that?

When we speak with courage and compassion, we don’t just help the person we’re talking to — we also change the environment we’re all living in. In families, teams, and communities, these ripples create a culture of care and support.

A Simple Invitation

The next time someone around you is hurting take a moment to pause and think. Focus on them and not you - what would help them right now?

“Would it help to talk?”

“I’ve been thinking of you. I’m here.”

“I don’t have the right words, but I care deeply.”

That’s what people remember — not perfect words, but your presence.

Final Thought

We can’t take away someone’s pain. But we can make sure they don’t feel invisible in it.

Let’s change the conversations we have. And in doing so, we create conversations that change the world — one kind word, one moment of connection, one brave presence at a time.

Click here for a free 30 minute consultation with Alison