How you can support someone having cancer treatment

Cancer diagnosis and treatment is overwhelming for the person diagnosed and those around them. Diagnosis doesn't come with an "Idiot's Guide To Cancer" and we can feel helpless and incompetent when faced with how best to support someone being treated for cancer.

Having had cancer myself and talked to many people who have had cancer, I have heard lots of super ideas for how to support, from the practical to the emotional.

We are all individuals, responding to treatment in different ways, so we all need different support, but here are some ideas which may resonate and help. Would love to hear any other ideas in the comments below.

Chemotherapy gift package my mum put together for me (excluding my cat!)

Care Package

My mum put together a super care package for me when I had chemotherapy:

• Ginger tea, ginger nuts - chemo causes nausea and ginger settles the tummy

• Puzzle book to while away time in the chemo unit and at home

• Colouring book, a mindful activity which helps distract

• Scarf for my balding head

• Nail treatment (chemo can cause nail loss - best option is actually dark nail varnish as it's UV light which contributes to nail loss)

• Balm tissues and wet wipes - hair loss is not just the head. Nasal hair goes too, and eyelashes, so we weep and have runny noses.

• Lip balm for drying lips

• Mints for the metallic taste in our mouths

• Handcream for our dry and peeling skin

• Cuddly toy for emotional support.

You could also include:

• Dry shampoo for when hair washing is just too much effort

• Baby toothbrush, the soft bristles are what sore gums need

• Cooling mat for our hot flushes or any sore spots

• Fleece/throw for snuggling up

• Silk pillowcase for our tender skin and hair loss

• Loose fitting lounge clothes or luxury pyjamas so we can feel good about what we're wearing. Think about the surgery your loved one may have had - do they need front fastening clothes? things which won't irritate scars? Loose fits to allow for bloating and/or weight lose?

• Fan for hot flushes

• Tasty cordials to encourage us to stay hydrated

• Magazines

• Jigsaw puzzle

• Bubble bath or salts. Dreamy shower gels

• Journal or note book and a lovely pen

• Snacks we enjoy. Note that treatment can play havoc with taste buds so tastes can change rapidly!

• Buff - they're great for a head cover or to keep neck warm

• Ready-to-display bouquets or plants. Flowers are lovely, but if we're exhausted then finding a vase and arranging the flowers can be a pain, so a plant or bouquet in a vase is perfect.

  
  

Ready to go bouquet

Practical support

• Arrange school pick ups and drop offs

• Walk my dog(s)

• Clean my cat's litter tray

• Help with tidying and cleaning around the home. Arrange days when it won't disturb us if we're feeling totally rotten.

• Bring meals around, especially things that can go in the freezer.

• Please don't come near me in you are poorly or may be infected. I don't want to miss treatments and need to keep my immune system as strong as possible.

• Research what helped others with my cancer and treatment, especially local support groups.

"It brings of tears of happiness to my eyes when I'm sat attached to a chemo pump in hospital and a mum friend sends me a text to say she's ordered an extra World Book Day costume for my daughter."

Deborah James, F*** You Cancer, 2018

Medical stuff

• Offer to collect prescriptions or anything we need from the pharmacy

• Ask if we'd like company at our chemotherapy sessions - they can be long and boring, not to mention stressful

• Ask if we need transport for any hospital visits

• Discuss how we'd like to be supported with medical appointments. Would a companion be welcome? A note taker? Emotional support?

• Help us talk through treatment options and support us fully in our decisions. And please, no weird stuff that may be on the internet or social media - juicing doesn't cure cancer!!!

• Please don't share scare stories or minimise our diagnosis

  • "at least they caught it early"

  • "you'll be back to work in no time"

  • "oh, that's a bad cancer to get"

  • "my friend's uncle died of that"

  • "you'll lose all your hair"

    
    

• Don't ask about our prognosis.

  • It's intensely personal.

  • We may not have thought about it.

  • Or we might know it and be terrified.

Stay connected

• Don't disappear. We will feel abandoned.

• Listen to us. Let us cry/laugh/be silent. Sometimes we don't need fixing, we just need to be.

• Visit us with no expectations. Expect us to be too ill/fatigued to see you or have to cancel our plans. But stay in touch - sorry you're having to do the work right now in our relationship. But we really appreciate all you're doing.

• Prepare yourself for when we meet me - we may look very sick. I remember one friend looking horrified when she saw me during chemotherapy - not a great moment.

• Suggest simple trips out - might just be going to local park for walk. Or a cafe visit (although may not eat or drink anything)

• Cinema trip - but don't suggest anything too emotionally overwhelming. We're not very emotionally robust at the moment.

• Plan a meal out when our taste buds, energy levels and digestive system allow.

• A mooch around the shops

• Watch tv with us

• Send cards, postcards, notes

• Send texts, voice notes, messages with no expectation of a response. We appreciate knowing you're thinking about us. Some of my friends would message "Just a little hello. Thinking of you x" or send me funny memes. I loved those messages.

• Visit us, but don’t overstay your welcome. We get tired very quickly.

• Podcast, audible book and boxset recommendations are all welcome and help us feel remembered.

Words That Truly Support - what to say

• “I’m here for you." No expectation, just your presence.

• “Can I help with (look at list above)?” A generic "let me know if I can help" is much more difficult to answer than a clear offer such as "Can I bring around some mushroom soup?"

• “I’m thinking of you.”

• “Totally understand if you don’t feel like talking right now.”

• “You don’t have to be positive. This is just so shit for you - I'm sorry ” Acknowledge their full emotional experience—don’t push toxic positivity.

• Let us know it's ok to talk about cancer or not talk about cancer. Some days we just don't want to engage in it. Other days we welcome the catharsis of talking about our fears and all we are facing.

There is so much you can do to support anyone undergoing cancer treatment. Please know how vital your presence, consideration, help and kindness are in making the world of difference in our darkest moments.